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KANAB, Utah — Cannabis enthusiast Mark Taneth bought a pound of cannabis last week to avoid having to go outside in the cold again for any reason until the climate heats back up in the spring.

“Have you ever gone out for weed in the snow?” Taneth lamented, clutching his backpack full of vacuum-sealed weed. “You have to put on boots and a jacket, start the car and wait for it to heat up, trudge over grey snowbanks, just to stand outside someone’s door… there’s a reason I’m not a mailman. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst of enemies. I’m hoping to not leave my apartment until like, April, so I’m gonna need heaps of weed to get me through. My dealer had to special order extra product for me, but you’ll see. You’ll all see! When I’m higher than I’ve ever been and ordering Instacart during the next blizzard, it’s gonna be so worth it!” 

“My only real concern,” Taneth added, “is that it’s only one strain, so hopefully I don’t get burned out on it.”

Taneth’s sacrifice did not go unnoticed his his friends — in particular, his roommate Colin Grady. “It’s like going to CostCo for toilet paper or something: it benefits us both, even if I occasionally have to throw down,” Grady said. “It’s almost like living with a distributor… actually, wait. Since he has so much that he’s started selling to the neighbors anytime they want to share, is Mark technically just a dealer now? Are people allowed to have a pound of weed like that? I should probably move out soon… maybe after we finish the pound, though.”

Due to the high demand of people ordering massive quantities of cannabis, several local dispensaries and black market distributors have sold out their inventory for the season, creating an unexpected supply chain deficiency. “We moved all our product already, and usually don’t do a lot of business through the season… so we’re basically gonna just hibernate all winter,” said Loretta Filpi, owner of the Green Future dispensary in Troy, Mich. “I would’ve even done a ‘hibernation sale’ or something, but I didn’t want to attract bears… again. That’s why they opened that bear dispensary, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it. But if they’re out too, we’re fucked.”

Though they “stocked up for the cold season,” it was later reported Taneth and Grady somehow finished the entire pound of cannabis on the first night they brought it home. 

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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