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PALO ALTO, Calif. — “Alpha Chad” Tanner Lyleson IV is doing his best to capitalize on every trend of the last year and upend both the crypto and cannabis markets, by funding a holistic Delta-8 shop solely through his personal Bitcoin farm.

“Listen, I believe wholeheartedly in Delta-8’s ability to enhance my wealth just as effectively as anything involving the CBD or legal cannabis markets — and since it’s a holistic shop, it’s clearly good for the planet,” Lyleson said, rolling down the window of his Tesla to throw out a wad of litter he assured us is “totally fine, because it’s definitely organic.” “And the Bitcoin operation I’ve set up after my Dad bought me a shitty factory town somewhere in Pennsylvania ensures I’ve got more than enough cash to take this thing global. If it helps me, it helps the world, I always say.”

“And real cannabis is so fake these days,” he added. “The people involved in ‘real cannabis’ all want to free the prisoners locked up on cannabis charges — if I wanted to do that, I’d have bought a law degree instead. Delta-8 is for real people who want the real thing without some fancy-schmancy, hoity-toity ‘morals,’ and consumers are going to eat it up.”

Lyleson then found a patch of dirt on which to peel out to kick as much dust in our faces as possible before speeding off.

This article was written by an Oreganoreportbot who thinks they did a pretty good job for being powered by old cannabis stems and burnt shake.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.