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For some reason, you’re not on board with candy corn. It makes literally zero sense to me but fine, you do you.

Trust me though, once we get super baked, it’ll be a wondrous cacophony of textures and tastes.

You said the flavor palette was bland and didn’t incorporate enough contrast, but once we get high, it’ll be an explosion of sensory stimuli. It’ll be sweet and textured and bursting with delight.

You compared it to just eating a spoonful of sugar, saying it caused palette fatigue. What if I told you there was a substance that can make your palette not experience this alleged ‘fatigue’?

I mean weed — that substance is weed. Literally anything can taste good if you smoke first, trust me.

Then you claimed they hurt your teeth and are super bad for you. Well I can’t really argue, that’s true, your teeth will probably fall out if you eat too many, but it’ll be worth it. And it won’t even hurt because you’ll be too stoned to feel it.

So basically, just go with this one, we smoke, then eat this giant bucket of candy corn that I got on clearance that’s about to expire.

…Unless it has the opposite effect, the weed may actually highlight the blandness in flavor contrast and texture and you may end up hating them even more. Impossible to tell ahead of time. Oops!

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.