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JUNEAU, Alaska — Honey Pot, Alaska’s number one cannabis dispensary for bears, is gearing up for their biggest month of the year as local bears prepare for their annual five-month hibernation.

“We always see a massive increase in sales in late October, before almost six months of nothing,” said Dansby, a chonky dreamboat of an adult grizzly and Honey Pot’s VP of Sales. “It’s a make-or-break month for us. Luckily, bears come from all over for our top strains like Highbernation and Yogi Kush, which are extremely heavy indicas that can lower body temperature by up to 60 percent.” 

“Dude, I smoke a J of Yogi, and I swear I only breathe, like, once a minute,” said Baddoo, a subadult five-year-old cutie. “How else would I sleep for half the year?”

Stuck in a small den all winter, most bears have little to do but sleep and get high. Biologists now believe that the actual reason bears start emerging from their dens in Spring is because they’re cashed out, with the earliest emergers wandering the area looking for neighboring dens in which to blaze one last hotbox. 

“Bears aren’t as different from humans as you might think,” said lead researcher Bennett Rinsli. “You’d be amazed how many reports we get in the dead of winter of bears, groggy and lethargic, looking for a nearby den to burn one down and crush a few dozen salmon.”

Honey Pot is advising interested bears to come early, as they are reportedly already running low on their 100,000 mg chocolate bars and THC-infused grubs.

Bradley Machov is a writer and improviser in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Twitter @bradleymachov

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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