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Dude, trust me, they’ll understand. It shows you are a motivated and enterprising person. It shows you’re ambitious and take action.

Being a dealer shows you are a clever, creative, self-starting problem solver, on account that you circumvented the law all those years. You are obviously a people-person, skilled at building and, more importantly, maintaining interpersonal relationships. I mean, your ex that was just with you because you smoked her out, how long were you guys together? Businesses will see that commitment and know you’re going to stay with them for a while.

Oh, and getting arrested for dealing? That’s a positive! It means you have real-world experience. It means you can relate to people from various walks of life. Those Ivy League grads with their 4.0 GPAs only networked with other Ivy Leaguers, they don’t understand an honest day’s work of going to someone’s apartment late at night to drop off weed and share an order of steamed dumplings real quick. 

The HR people you’re applying to will totally get all that. There is no way they will see your past as a dealer as a poor reflection of your character. They won’t judge you for engaging in an illegal industry.

Trust me, I’m unemployed, so I’m applying to jobs constantly, so like, I know what I’m talking about!

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.