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Happy new year, everyone! Even though these last two years have been absolute trash, we all still manage to come together to celebrate new beginnings.
During this most-hopeful time of year, you’re probably getting ready for your favorite New Year rituals. While we definitely DO have a bangin’ recipe for black-eyed peas, there’s one little ritual that is a better predictor of how your year is going to go: your first joint of 2022.
Yes, even your chosen strain of cannabis has a personality! So, kick off your New Year right, light up, and see what your favorite weed variety says about you and your next 365 days!
New year, new you, right?
You’re everybody’s go-to, the confidant, the BFF. But secretly, you wonder if you’re really just boring. Sure, you’re reliable, but maybe the drawback of reliability is that you’re also taken for granted.
Recommendation for the new year: Spice things up! Try a new hobby!
You’re an OG, but nobody pays attention to you anymore. Maybe you’re a little stuck in your old ways.
Recommendation for the new year: Revamp your style, but feel free to keep that purple paisley shirt. It looks GREAT on you.
You’re the funny guy at the office. You always have a work-related pun and are constantly buzzing with energy. But remember, all that energy can backfire (and annoy).
Recommendation for the new year: Try a little CBD to even you out.
You’re the creative type that likes to discuss Kierkegaard and screen black-and-white voyeurism movies rather than doing anything “mainstream.”
Recommendation for the new year: Remember that it’s okay to enjoy something a little more exciting and action-packed –– even if it involves seeing a Marvel movie or something.
You’re a mysterious loner, like the majestic Widow spider. You look harmless but you know you’d bite anyone’s head off if they got too close. You have a very seductive dangerous side, but you’re also beautiful and majestic.
Recommendation for the new year: Be vulnerable and open up to a friend. And if it backfires, lesson learned: trust no one ever again.
You’re the life of the party, but most people think you’re shallow. Don’t be afraid to branch out.
Recommendation for the new year: Maybe read a book once in a while. Who knows, people might be pleasantly surprised by your newfound depth.
You prefer organic oat milk and soft tofu. You ONLY eat granola you make at home and you spent 2020 perfecting your sourdough boule. All that #cottagecore stuff is charming, but try not to overdo it! It’s 2022 and the world has so much technology out there to enjoy.
Recommendation for the new year: Use a vacuum cleaner instead of your hands.
Girl Scout Cookies
You’re girly, ladylike, and giggle whenever someone mentions Paul Rudd. Some people get annoyed by how cutesy you are, but you know that they’re just afraid of your feminine power.
Recommendation for the new year: Show your toughness. Take a kickboxing class or learn some wilderness skills, and rub it in everyone’s faces.
Hell’s Angel OG
You need therapy.
Recommendation for the new year: Get therapy.
You’re unflappable. You’re like a duck’s back, everything rolls off it. Look up “Chill AF” in the dictionary and they’ll find your picture.
Recommendation for the new year: Switch to coffee. You might be the one person on earth that wouldn’t get jittery.
Congratulations on getting through another 12 months! Celebrate and spark up while you’re waiting to count down to midnight.
Andrea Romano is a comedy writer, sketch performer, and watcher of many Emmy-award-winning shows. Her writing has been seen on Cracked, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Mashable –– among others. Follow her on Twitter @theandrearomano.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.