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LAS VEGAS — eSports leagues and sanctioning bodies worldwide announced today a joint, uniform decision to lean into the prevalent cannabis use of their respective athletes by just banning anyone who does not use the substance in their training and performance.

“So many people playing eSports smoke or vape or whatever that it’s reached a point where not indulging in cannabis use is considered the ‘performance enhancing drug,’” said Riot Games eSports Director John Needham. “We’ve even had multiple athletes get medical clearance from their doctors to avoid cannabis. But non-prescription or not, we can’t allow some players to not use cannabis. It just wouldn’t be ethical.”

“I played against someone who doesn’t smoke recently, and it was as if they had extra hands on an extra controller or something,” noted EANHL league competitor Darrin Port, one of the overwhelming majority of athletes supporting the mandate. “They were soaring across the screen in a blur, pulling off snipes and cellies I didn’t even know you could do. I couldn’t keep up. I’m glad they’re banned for not following the rules — it just wasn’t fair.”

With eSports leagues everywhere implementing this mandatory cannabis use policy, popular gaming product GFuel announced today their intent to enter the legal cannabis market.

“eSports trainers are going to have to prescribe a lot of cannabis, and we’re going to be there when they do,” said GFuel CEO Clifford Morgan. “We’ve been looking to branch out our product line anyway, so if gamers need cannabis, gamers get cannabis. And with this move, we’re positioning ourselves well to be the official dispensary of eOlympic Village in 2028.”

eSports officials are still determining the minimum and maximum thresholds of quantity an athlete must test positive for to participate, both to gauge performance level and to ensure players don’t fall asleep mid-game.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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