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WHALEYVILLE, Md. — A man whose primary occupation is selling cannabis out of his basement made a point yesterday to let two of his newly engaged friends know that he is ordained, in case they’re still looking for someone.
“Yeah bro, it’s fuckin’ legit,” muttered dealer Kenny Ogden as he packed shake into a one-hitter. “I got the certificate and everything, plus I’m lowkey mad experienced. Like, if you’re gettin’ married and you haven’t found a dude to officiate that shit, holler at me for the hook-up. I only do non-religious gigs, though — otherwise I gotta read the Bible, and I’m not about to get into old books like a fuckin’ nerd. Anyway, what were we just talking about?”
Since becoming ordained, Ogden has officiated several ceremonies for friends and customers who, due largely to financial constraints, hired him as a last resort.
“That guy is so obscenely unqualified,” complained Jeffrey Sanchez, who hired Ogden for his wedding ceremony last summer when the original officiant canceled at the last minute. “Everyone was wearing a tie or a dress… except for the guy marrying me and my husband, who was there in boardshorts and Sanuks. He reeked of patchouli and dedicated the majority of his speech to an acapella rendition of some Umphrey’s McGee song. We’d never in a million years recommend his services to anyone.”
“He does sling some pretty dank loud, though,” admitted Sanchez’s husband Dallas Olgarth. “And we’re officially married, so I’ll give him that.”
For his part, Ogden believes he’s successfully cornered the market as the only known entity offering high-grade herb and legally binding weddings. And while reviews have been mixed at best, at least one married couple claimed to have thoroughly enjoyed their experience with him.
“Dude, it was so hilarious,” laughed Kyle Watkins while remembering an alarmingly quick ceremony held by Ogden in between rips from a gravity bong. “Me and my boy Bobby were over at Kenny’s crib, and someone mentioned how funny it’d be if two buddies just got randomly married. Then Kenny was like, ‘My guy, I could marry you two right now, no sweat.’ So we just did that shit and now I’m married to my dude friend. It’s funny as shit, but our divorce is gonna be fuckin’ gold.”
Further cementing his empire, Ogden also offers discount AirBnB rates for newlyweds who want to spend their romantic honeymoon getaway in his basement.
Tyler Dark is a stand-up comedian and writer from Maryland’s Eastern Shore.
