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SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Free Spirit Wellness dispensary security guard Joseph “Big Nugs” Consantello confirmed yet again moments ago that he has “absolutely less than zero” interest in sparking and sharing with you any of the cannabis you’re getting, according to onlookers more than a little embarrassed for you.
“Bro, listen — we’ve been over this. I can’t just leave my shift to smoke a blunt every morning you’re in here to pick up,” the 35-year-old security guard explained for allegedly the fourth time. “Like, I’m working here. Just because I go out every 20 minutes for a personal smoke break doesn’t mean I ever want to smoke with you. You coming in here once a week and spending $20 bucks on two pre-rolls of shitty shake weed doesn’t make us friends. Now, what’s your birthday?”
After confirming your birthday for Consantello and making your purchase, you clarified your intent to simply make his day a little brighter. “Look, being a security guard has to suck, staring at the IDs of newbies and reciting disclaimers on repeat. And I’m in here every other day, so I have to be his best work friend by now or something,” you said while struggling to light the roach of your pre-roll. “Besides, smoking on the job is what they do in every stoner comedy. If you’re working at a dispensary, it’s just inevitable. You may as well do it with your close homie. I’m not even asking him to hook me up.”
While most say you should probably take this personally, Free Spirit Wellness management went out of its way to confirm that it doesn’t allow any employees to indulge with customers while on the clock.
“We tried to be chill about it, but too many people found it funny to bring chronic mixed with God knows what to test the tolerance of our security guards,” explained first-shift manager Diego Harris. “One time I came to check on him and he was just telling every customer ‘happy birthday’ instead of asking them for theirs. We can’t have that happening here. And then we found out it’s highly illegal. I mean, if you want to point to one reason you can’t smoke with him on the job, that’s the one.”
Onlookers noted you then went over to the CannaQueen next door to see if their security guard could hang instead.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.