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We all know there were some historic snowstorms this past winter. I even heard there’s a chance of one more big one this weekend! They’re always awful: driving gets really dangerous, you have to wear all these extra layers, and worst of all, they make it hard for people to go outside and smoke. Not me, though, because I do all my smoking inside… in the bathroom… with the shower running… steaming up the room, so no one can tell I smoked.

It’s a bit of a process, but I started doing it in college and it’s never failed me, so why stop now? It was worth it so campus security wouldn’t catch me, and now, even though I’m 35 and have my own apartment and can do whatever I want and weed is basically legal where I live, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Boy, Texas really had it rough this year. Can you imagine being stuck inside with no heat, and having to go outside to smoke where there’s also no heat, and then coming back inside? I can’t even picture it. Mostly because I’m still smoking in the bathroom right now, with the hot water from the shower turned up full blast. I swear, it’s like a sauna in here.

I’m glad I didn’t have to go outside in that freezing weather. Even now that it’s warmer, there’s still rain and high winds or whatever insane weather patterns emerge from climate change, so I still see people all bundled up in coats and mittens and hats making it nearly impossible to even enjoy smoking. But not me. I’m not bundled up at all: no coat, no gloves, no umbrella. None of it. In fact, I usually don’t even wear a shirt when I smoke — it helps the THC absorb directly into my pores, which are fully dilated from the steam. Everyone knows that!

That was the thing back in the day — just 12 bros crowding around in the communal bathroom, running hot water for hours and sparking up together. Those were the times, let me tell you.

As I look back on the winter and think about what I should do different next year, it’s clear there’s no need for outdoor gear for me: just a good old toilet paper roll stuffed with dryer sheets, a plastic bag over the smoke detector held in place with a hanger, and a makeshift apartment sauna. And, hey — if the Seamless guy shows up during all this, no worries, he’s welcome to join. 

I mean, as the old adage says: “If you’re cold, they’re cold — bring them inside your shower and smoke them up!”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.