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MADISON, Wisc. — A planned marathon viewing of all nine “Star Wars” films was halted prematurely yesterday after all participants learned the hard way that even weed wasn’t enough to make watching the much-maligned prequel films any more bearable.
“Just like the extreme cold brought a premature end to many an expedition up Mt. Everest, the prequel trilogy has aborted countless ‘Star Wars’ marathons. My friends and I were well aware of this, so we loaded up on as much herb as we could find,” said Derek Chambers, a member of the forsaken Star Wars viewing party. “The first few minutes of ‘The Phantom Menace’ were promising, but we all knew it was fruitless the moment Jar Jar opened his mouth. Next thing you know we’re in that scene with the republic Senate… you know, the one that lasts about 35 hours? Our idea was to giggle through the boring space bureaucrat jargon and bad acting. We thought it was a foolproof plan. We were so naive.”
The group stocked up on a wide variety of strains and edibles that they believed would be potent enough to help them make it through the prequels.
“We loaded up on the strongest strains we could find; all Star-Wars themed, naturally. Derek picked up all the classics, like Luke Smokewalker and Emperor Puffpatine, and even the less well known strains like Yoda’s House Special and Lando Cougrissian. I even made some Death Star-shaped edibles,” said Ally Wikes, another fateful marathon group member.
“We thought it was probably enough to kill a few Jawas,” agreed fellow failure Darcy Wabado. “But it only got us through ‘The Phantom Menace’ and half about half of ‘Attack of the Clones.’ We cashed it all right when Anakin Skywalker started monologuing to Padme about sand — you’d think that would be the funniest shit while stoned, but it was pure hell. We called it a night barely halfway through the opening crawl of ‘Revenge of the Sith.’”
“I feel doubly bad because the whole thing was my idea,” added Wilkes.
Sadly, the group have since collectively decided their strongest efforts can not overcome the horrid pacing, story and characters of the infamous prequels, and will not make another attempt at watching the entire “Star Wars” saga again.
“Understand that we had a lot of weed. It was meant to last the 20-or-so-hour run time of the entire saga, and we got through all of it in about three hours just so we didn’t have to deal with these insufferable movies. Yeah, yeah, prequel bashing is as old dirt as this point, but seriously — what the hell is wrong with these movies?” said Chambers.
“There’s no shame in skipping the prequels,” confirmed Wilkes. “Start with ‘A New Hope’ like a normal person. Maybe man simply wasn’t meant to watch all of the ‘Star Wars’ films in one go.”
Jonah Nink writes comedy for The Hard Times, The Chicago Machine, and Jumpkick, and real news for UIC Radio. @mymanjonah
