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It isn’t every day we have the opportunity to sit down with someone as iconic as Kamala Harris: after all, we’re a publication that specializes in cannabis jokes. With all of her duties, how could the first woman U.S. Vice President have time to do something as silly as ranking her favorite weed strains?
As it turns out, despite her history of changing her stance on marijuana-related crimes, cannabis is a big part of Ms. Harris’s life, and she very kindly made time to sit down with us to discuss how cannabis helps her relieve her day-to-day effects of cognitive dissonance.
Oregano: Wow. Vice President Harris, we are honored to have you here. Obviously, we fully support cannabis use. Is it safe to assume that your presence means that you do as well?
V.P. Harris: Absolutely! I honestly don’t know why it took me so long to fully decide that marijuana use is 100% okie-dokie-smokey, but now that I’ve seen the light, I feel it is my duty to fully support America’s right to light up.
Well, that is truly spectacular news! We particularly look forward to seeing what this newfound support will do in the way of cannabis reform and legislation.
So it looks like, of your top 5 favorite strains, they’re almost all indicas. And it says here that you use them daily to relieve a variety of symptoms related to cognitive dissonance?
Correct. In my line of work, cognitive dissonance is essential: I can’t stay up all night, explaining away my support for crooked institutions and legislation that have systematically oppressed already marginalized groups. I’m a busy woman. I need my rest.
Indeed you are. With that in mind, we don’t want to take up too much of your time, so let’s get to the list. It says here at #5 you’ve ranked the strain “Skywalker OG.” What makes this strain so special?
Well, Skywalker OG gives a super relaxed high, and is particularly great at relieving the internalized guilt of knowing that my former beliefs and actions resulted in thousands of children growing up without their fathers.
…Okay. Great. Moving right along. It looks like you’ve named Blue Cheese your #4.
Oh, yes. I LOVE Blue Cheese. It’s a pungent, soothing nightcap, and a perfect cooling agent to counteract those spicy, flashback-riddled nightmares of my former political flip-flopping. It’s like a TUMS for my conscience.
Good to know. Good. To. Know. What do you have to say for your #3 pick, Sour Diesel? This one is technically a sativa, but it’s the only sativa on your list. What do you like so much about it?
Sour Diesel is my go-to daytime strain: it’s stimulating, but relaxing. It’s perfect for an afternoon recess from discussing the Green New Deal and debating all the great programs we’ll eventually omit from it. Soon enough, Sour will be the only diesel fuel around. And it’s green. Ha!
I see what you did there. These puns seem very much intended.
But seriously, on the Green New Deal, we’ll get there eventually. Probably. Don’t quote me on that.
Of course. You’re really knocking these puns out of the park, by the way. Let’s see what you have listed as your #2… 9 lb. Hammer? We’ve never heard of this one, but it must be good.
You’re missing out! 9 lb. Hammer is a heavy-hitting indica known for its extreme potency and its pain relieving properties. Honestly, this is the only strain that eases the tension in my neck and right shoulder from my early years of throwing the book at people for marijuana offenses.
Oof. Well, we suppose it’s a good thing to be able to make fun of yourself in light of personal growth. Finally, we’ve reached your #1 pick for favorite indica for CD relief.
Oh, fucking Christ. Really? ICE?
Yes, really! Hear me out. I am NO fan of keeping innocent adults and children in cages; I’m just a big fan of ICE, the strain. I know I supported the 2008 San Francisco policy that reported undocumented juveniles to ICE, but my pick for favorite Indica is in no way related to that organization, which I now openly criticize. ICE, ICE, baby! But not that ICE. The ICE that keeps my CD at bay.
Well, Ms. Harris, we are so honored that you’ve taken the time to give such an interesting and wholly unsurprising look inside your real thoughts on cannabis.
The pleasure was all mine, now that it’s legal in my home state and not my problem anymore.
Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.