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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Researchers working on a project funded by the Drug Enforcement Administration believe they’ve discovered a new, highly intelligent variant of pothead infinitely more dangerous than anything they’ve encountered before.
Able to hold a job, contribute to society and converse in clear, coherent thought, scientists warn that a pothead with the level of self-actualization they’re seeing could have grave consequences for both the snack food industry and Hollywood movies that are overly reliant on “lazy stoner” tropes.
“Usually the pothead will adapt and change, but remain manageable and slightly more irritating than previous versions,” began lead researcher Dr. Raymond Park. “But this new variant doesn’t listen to bad music, spend hours each day watching TV, or order copious amounts of food delivery. This new pothead won’t even perform long, annoying soliloquies about historical events that may or may not have happened — instead, this pothead silently studies for a JD/MBA while working their way up the corporate ladder at JP Morgan, which is far more dangerous.”
“What could he be planning? What is he going to do?” wondered fellow researcher Laura Birkenzie, watching the pothead known as “Variant 14” read a book about Adam Smith’s economic theory. “This is like a diabolical supervillain origin story. In five years, we’ll all either be working for him on his moon-based grow operation, or we’ll have reasonable public policy on drug education. Either way, it’s a cold, chilling future to look forward to.”
Indeed, one of the main conclusions of the study found that this society-threatening pothead mutation could have been prevented had authorities properly addressed his earlier forms.
“When you allow the previous strains to grow unmitigated, it gives way to these dangerous alterations,” stated cannabocraniologist Dr. Debrah Naan. “This is our fault for letting past incarnations laze around and garden quietly in the fresh air. We thought it would peak with listening to Joe Rogan and discussing cheap plastic porch furniture, but all it takes is one hyper-evolved pothead running his own non-profit with a keen understanding of Noam Chomsky’s theories of media manipulation for things to get out of control. That’s how these variants mutate!”
Alarmingly, scientists have also found this pothead is becoming increasingly adept at convincing others to follow his ways, calling him “not only the most dangerous, but also the most contagious form of pothead” they’ve seen to date.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
