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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The legislation meant to facilitate safe financial transactions for cannabis companies unfortunately failed to keep safe its most important client, itself.
“We all tried to help it stay safe, but there’s only so much we can do,” stated an anonymous Washington insider that advocated for the bill. “It just keeps getting killed every time it tries again. That senate comes for you every time… maybe if we hide it under another bill we can sneak it through? Is stealth the answer? Disguise it as something else? Embed it into another bill?”
A lobbyist for the bill, Arnold Patterson, compared pushing the legislation through the house and the senate to grinding through an escort mission.
“It’s like you have to keep it safe because it’s just entirely helpless on its own,” Patterson began explaining. “There’s just too many baddies in the Senate ready to attack and shoot the bill down; we constantly get overrun. If only the SAFE Act could keep itself safe!”
In a turn of grand irony, government officials presented a way in which to keep the SAFE Act safe by fundamentally altering its rhetoric to something they’d agree with, which in turn would no longer keep financial transactions safe for cannabis companies, effectively killing the bill — a self-sacrifice of the bill to save the bill which actually kills the bill. The catch-22 of policymaking.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
