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I went to the DMV the other day and decided to smoke right before going in to help the time pass, and it was incredible! It felt like I was only there for like 7 hours, as opposed to the 14 hours I was actually there.

‘14 hours?’ you might be thinking. Right. I got there early, before they opened, thinking I’d be able to be first in line and get in/get out, but of course, even at 4 AM the line was already down the street with people thinking just like me. I’m glad I had weed to keep me company as the sun rose in the distance.

Time normally slows down to a crawl in the DMV, but being high sped the time up to like, well, you know how babies crawl really slowly? But then if there’s food or something they’ll do that scurry-crawl where they shake their butts super fast and they’re still super slow but just the tiniest bit faster? That. That’s what the 7 hours felt like. A baby’s scurry-crawl across the living room.

Being high even made those horribly designed wooden benches seem slightly less uncomfortable. Why are they angled like that? It’s like the seat is descending into the backrest. It feels like sinking into a void at the vertex of the bench. But I survived because I was baked out of my mind.

The paperwork was a bit of a problem, but luckily I printed it at home and filled it out ahead of time, before smoking. Unfortunately, I had left the filled-in paperwork along with all my identification documentation in the car, along with my keys, before getting in the line. My bad.

Once inside, I also discovered what I needed to do could be done on the website. Oops.

And after what felt like only 7 hours (thank you weed), when they announced it was 6 PM and they were closing, I also realized I was so baked I forgot to actually take a number, that’s why I was there so long!

Did you know the DMV makes appointments in advance now?

Anyway, will go back and try again tomorrow — I wonder if I can cut that 7 hours down to like 3.5 hours by smoking twice as much…?

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.