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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Joe Biden signed (D) an executive order today to federally legalize copium, an allegorical inhalant typically used to cope with impending loss and/or abject failure.
“With this bill, the American people will no longer need to worry about inflation, COVID-19, Putin, or global warming,” said Biden from the White House. “As a nation, we all came together and conquered all. We never looked back, we only looked forward. Today proves that America is the land of the free and the home of the brave.”
The legalization is predicted to raise more than $500 billion in tax revenue during the first year of sales. The revenue from Copium sales will be primarily allocated to nuclear missile engineering and military choreography.
An Oregano reporter was on the scene and pressed the president for his response to calls for the federal legalization or decriminalization of cannabis. Biden responded, “My hope is that with this bill, we will all be able to accept the cards that God has dealt us and which the government has absolutely no part in.”
President Biden then put a second pair of aviator glasses on top of his first pair, dropped the microphone, and walked off with security. Biden reportedly signed the executive order after returning from an extensive vacation at his beach house in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, and now leaves the White House to his other vacation home in Greenville, Delaware where he will continue his vacation.
