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RANCHO CUCAMONGA, Calif. — Fabled tales of celebrity party crashers are the stuff of legends. From Bill Murray dropping by college dormitories, to Tom Hanks photobombing engagement pictures, an impromptu celebrity sighting amongst the “common folk” is almost always a welcomed interruption.
Last night, a private party in Southern California was crashed by none other than feminist icon and social justice hero U.S. Representative Maxine Waters, who was allegedly out to prove once again that she has “no time for nonsense” by interrupting the party’s designated smoke circle and skipping several people in rotation.
“Reclaiming my time!” echoed through the House floor on that legendary day in 2017 when an annoyed Waters first ordained this battle cry in response to former President Trump’s Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin tip-toeing around her question. Likewise, when Rep. Waters proudly jumped in the rotation last night, “Reclaiming my time!” was the shout as she was handed the blunt to raucous applause.
“I openly support the MORE act, and I actively oppose any MORE of this blunt going to anyone here until my time with it is through,” said Waters, pulling the cannabis cigar away from the next person in rotation and simply holding it without smoking it. “Not until we release the incarcerated people who sit behind bars for doing exactly this.”
“It should come as no surprise to anyone that I make no qualms about politicking this blunt, considering I’m a career politician,” Waters added, making eye contact with each member of the circle while holding the blunt as it smoldered away. “This is in solidarity with all U.S. prisoners sentenced for low-level cannabis violations.”
While Waters’ presence was celebrated, and partiers were all too happy to share their wares with the Congresswoman, some were upset by her lack of decorum regarding rotation protocols.
“Is this why people call me Skip?” reveler Skip Scheiffer cracked, clearly smiling through very real pain. “I mean, it’s all good, because it’s Maxine. But seriously, I just wish I could’ve hit the blunt before she decided to Bogart it. Yes, my name may be Skip, but her name is not Humphrey, respectfully.”
Witnesses say Waters, who sits on several committees overseeing various federal cannabis reform bills, later promised to spark a fresh blunt after every partier took a moment to call their representatives and urge them to pass the latest version of the MORE Act. “Once my colleagues pass this bill,” Waters said, “I’ll be glad to pass a fresh blunt back in the circle.”
Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.