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PYONGYANG — Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un demonstrated his physical strength, mental fortitude, and athletic stamina yesterday by taking an absurdly large toke from a water pipe and holding it in for “three full Mississippi” before exhaling with no coughs or wheezes, according to a statement from the United Front Dept. of the Workers’ Party.
“As the sun stopped for its midday pause directly above his head, our Dear Leader showed the lowly dogs of the world once again who is strongest of them all,” read the official release. “With a pipe made from the bones of his beloved childhood pet dinosaur, the spirits of his forefathers filled the bowl with OG Kim Kush — the world’s strongest cannabis strain — and Leader Kim lit it with his own powerful energy and inhaled. Although any mortal man would have dropped stone dead immediately, our Leader did not even twitch an eyelash. His glorious exhalation then became the clouds, which will float above this perfect land forever to keep us safe and happy.”
Many who work in diplomacy are baffled by the demonstration, although some experts are convinced that it was nothing more than literal smoke and mirrors.
“I can’t say with any certainty that he doesn’t smoke pot, because he’s the only one in the country with the permission and access to snacks to do so,” said Adam Peureille, a senior fellow at the Pacific Institute. “It’s even reasonable that the Kim dynasty’s famous paranoia is caused by it, but this doesn’t address the real threat: take away the obvious exaggerations, and this is still a very bold claim. It worries me that we could see Chinese, Japanese or even Russian Naval forces gathering in the Sea of Japan to suck their own big pipes and ejaculate their own smoke all over east Asia.”
Most major world leaders have indeed condemned the hit, with Chinese president Xi Jinping and newly-elected U.S. President Biden using the strongest language. A few of their counterparts, however, seem at least pleasantly amused by the action.
“I cannot deny that I find his drug stunt positively hilarious,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a giggler, but today has been full of classic German belly laughs.”
“I didn’t think so before, but this guy is, like, a total bro,” agreed Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada. “Maybe the little guys with heavily decorated military uniforms who are always around him are like his boys from back in his ‘wild days,’ and they keep him real and chill and party together. That’s cool.”
More developments are expected out of Pyongyang in the coming weeks, as leaked intelligence reports show the top levels of government are planning a watch party of every Marvel film to prepare for bingeing “WandaVision.”
Article by John Lakeman, which is a pseudonym from the Amazon Prime show “Patriot.”
