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CHICAGO — With cannabis becoming big business in the United States, one new entrepreneur is looking to start their own growing operation using equipment they were able to get for cheap at a recent police auction.
“The cops told me this all came from some big operation they broke up a while ago. Lucky me to capitalize on the opportunity,” stated entrepreneur and new cannabis investor Harold Quackenbush. “I simply took out a small $100,000 loan from my parents and bought the equipment and some cheap property for a grow operation. Sure, the neighborhood isn’t great right now, but that’s what gentrification is for, am I right? It’s like we always say in the industry: where there’s a cannabis dispensary today, there’ll be a Whole Foods tomorrow.”
Indeed, the Chicago Police Department was happy to see such a “nice young man” invest in the community.
“At first we were weary about someone opening up a grow operation here on the South Side, but once I saw this young man was from Beverly, our fears were assuaged,” stated Police Representative Tiffany Johnson. “I don’t know what it was about him, but when I first saw his polo shirt and Sperrys, I knew he’d be a good influence on the neighborhood. You wouldn’t believe what was going on before this: we confiscated all this equipment when we busted this gang leader, who was trying to teach children how to grow and harvest this stuff. Thankfully for them, we made sure to protect the children by placing them in the back of our police van for 9 hours before returning them to their parents. It was a real heroic day.”
However, Jamal Rodgers, the previous owner of the equipment, was extremely irked by the police characterization of what happened.
“How many times do I have to say this? I wasn’t growing cannabis, nor was I training children to be drug growers or mules. I was trying to start an urban vegetable garden to help lower income people have year-round access to fresh vegetables,” said Rodgers. “All of that equipment was meant to grow cucumbers and carrots and stuff.”
“So there I am, it’s July 2018, and I’m teaching some kids how the equipment works, when the police burst in and forced us all to the ground after a report of someone of a ‘suspicious persuasion’ moving hydroponic equipment in here,” Rodgers recounted. “They find some dried out oregano on one of the tables during the raid, and use that as evidence of my ‘filthy pot ring’ and seize all my equipment under civil forfeiture laws.”
“The thing is, they never opened up a case against me, because there was none,” he added. “After fighting for 2 years to get my equipment back, they sold it all to some yuppie?”
For his part, after learning of how he came to possess Mr. Rodgers’ confiscated goods, Mr. Quackenbush felt horrible and promised to make reparations.
“That’s rather unfortunate about Jamal. To rectify this, I promise to give ½% of our profits during the next Black History Month to one of those charities that care about this sort of thing,” said Quackenbush. “I also pledge to put up a Black Lives Matter sign in my storefront window. It’s the least I can do.”
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.