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You heard it here first: Kylie Jenner — celebrity, entrepreneur, influencer, and personality to be kept up with — is probably going to put her name on some sort of cannabis product eventually, right? Seems inevitable.

With cannabis basically legal at this point, and her alleged status as a “self-made billionaire” in 2021, it’s only a matter of time before she plops her name on a scented, glittery 20-bag and calls it a 200-bag, right? A bright pink pouch that looks like a clutch, with a variety pack of CBD-infused under-eye creams, Juul packs (but stylized as “Jewel Packs”), and then good ol’ classic weed, but like, somehow infused with all kinds of vitamins and nutrients, and also pre-workout hormones, because why not.

And don’t forget the pre-ground stuff that comes in a Tiffany’s crystal orange — you know, the premium, “moisturized” series you can only order on the site. A classic Kylie “brilliant marketing and branding genius” Jenner move. Soooo original. 

If it feels like I’m being a little too mean, please don’t misunderstand: it’s very cool that she uses her status and wealth to create more status and wealth for herself. Much respect. It’s “inspirational,” and “empowering.” But also, let’s see it for what it is: people will buy whatever garbage she puts her name on, so she puts her name on garbage and sells it… and people like weed, so she may as well get some chemically treated mids and put her name on it, right? 

That being said…

Dear Kylie,

When you start Kylie-Smoke, or Kylie-Kush, or Keeping High With The Kardashians, or Kylie Greeners, or W33d, or That ill stickyickyKylieicky good-good or whatever it is you decide to go with, please cut me in, because I just came up with the idea. I’ll only take like 5%. It’s cool, no big. K thx.


Cameron Foley

P.S. Reading this document enters us into a legally binding contract, and I am thrilled to be your new business manager. 

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.