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BOISE, Idaho — Citing concerns about the potential corrupting influence of cannabis on Idaho’s youth, state lawmakers today passed a law to distribute AR-15 rifles to all of the state’s children to help them defend against the plant and its influence.
“We feel this bill is a prudent piece of legislation on our part,” said State Rep. Dick Schubert. “Around these parts, marijuana is known to kidnap children and consume their flesh in the middle of the night — that’s what happened to little Jimmy Horton back in 2009. Sure, wildlife officials said it was a freak mountain lion encounter, but I think we all know marijuana was involved. That’s why we’re trying to empower these kids to do as Nancy Reagan said, and ‘just say no.’ And what’s more empowering than some .223 rounds in your chamber?”
Idaho state police agreed, voicing their support for the legislation.
“Marijuana started this drug war, and we think we finally found the way to end it,” said State Police Commissioner Derek Crawford. “For all the harm it’s caused, marijuana shouldn’t be surprised that we’re firing back — after hurting so many kids it was only a matter of time. Honestly, I wish I’d thought to arm the children earlier. They have so much energy, and after exposing them to our marijuana educational videos, they develop a healthy bloodlust and desire to destroy as many of the crafty plants as possible.”
After pointing out that creating child soldiers was technically a war crime, Crawford went on the defensive.
“That holds only if you’re teaching them to shoot people. I checked with some pretty good Bush administration lawyers and they took our side,” Crawford said. “They also affirmed that attaching car batteries to force information out of the plants in interrogation does not count as torture. Which is relieving, because we’ll probably have to do a lot of that.”
Parents largely agreed.
“My little Stevie is so excited to take out some of those filthy marijuana plants,” countered mother Leslie Pullins. “He hates the government interfering in our lives as much as I do. It’s an open secret that marijuana controls the government and is responsible for all of those BS socialist handouts. That’s why I think the state government’s decision to handout these weapons is the right call.”
“The only thing I’ll ever smoke is every last one of those weed plants with my bullets,” said a smiling 8-year-old Stevie.
Unsurprisingly for Idaho, even pro-cannabis activists were conflicted whether or not to support the measure.
“As an Idaho native, naturally I agree with the idea of giving children weapons. It’s just common sense,” said activist Shelby Rivers. “But why all of the hatred for cannabis? Cannabis is our friend: it makes potatoes taste better, you can easily smoke it out of a potato, and when people get high, they’re more likely to eat lots of potatoes. That’s just good business sense on our end!”
After signing the bill into law, Idaho Gov. Brad Little celebrated the occasion by lining up 15 confiscated cannabis plants to be executed firing squad-style by students from James K. Polk elementary school.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
