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Dustin Abernathy is a travel writer and cannabis lover from Chicago, Illinois, best known for reviewing restaurants on how well they cater to stoned guests by ranking them on a scale of one to five joints.
I can already get a sense that you’re angry at me for popping those THC mints when I got home from work. When you asked me to freshen up before dinner, I just assumed that was code for “we’re ready to rock.” I also assumed — incorrectly, apparently — it was a given that we both would do it since we’re going to spend Valentine’s Day dinner at the Olive Garden eating endless breadsticks, after all.
I mean, come on… isn’t everyone at Olive Garden high? Why do you think Post Malone’s favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden? I promise you, it’s not because of their selection of fine wines. It’s obviously because it’s the best place to have a three-course meal completely blitzed! I can’t remember the last time I actually decided to go to Olive Garden sober. I must have been a child. I probably only was able to eat one breadstick and therefore wasted my parents’ money. Why should we repeat the mistakes of the past?
Look, we both know I would’ve chosen a different restaurant where you don’t eat much, like that tapas place or some shit, if I knew you didn’t want me to be stoned. All I’ve eaten today was a single granola bar to make sure I saved a ton of room for this Olive Garden feast. I take endless breadsticks very seriously, and I would only go out for them if I was prepared to do some damage and get my money’s worth by being hella high.
You’ve always known how frugal and good with money I am. There’s no way you didn’t expect this from me.
Hey, it’s not too late to join the party! I get that you might just be frustrated that you didn’t know to prepare for this meal. Well, you know what? I brought a vape with a premium Sour Diesel cartridge to guarantee we’re clouded for all three courses. We are a power couple after all, and there’s no way I wouldn’t let you in on the fun.
I know you don’t want to drive high, and I applaud you for keeping our safety a priority. We can just Uber home if you smoke! Uber was invented specifically for circumstances like this. We’ll just leave the car here and Uber home afterwards. Besides, you’ll be in too deep of a breadstick coma to drive anyway after trying out my score of the state’s best Sour Deez, and we can’t be the only people who left their car at Olive Garden high as fuck. It must happen at least three times a day.
Wait, you’re actually down to blaze? I can’t believe that actually worked! I have no idea what I just said, or how I was able to convince you to get high for the Olive Garden too, but I don’t care. These endless breadsticks won’t eat themselves! Let’s make them regret ever making an endless breadstick policy!
Maybe we get dessert at Coldstone afterwards? We’ll tell them it’s our birthdays and see what other kinds of free shit we can get.
Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.