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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local woman and self-proclaimed “heavy smoker, light occultist” Whitney Henderson yesterday enlisted the divine, esoteric wisdom of her Rider-Waite tarot deck to help her determine where she put her missing weed.

“I have a distinct sect of morning rituals that are instrumental in my vibrational and psychic capabilities,” said Henderson, grabbing a golden and red box that initially looked like an oversized pack of American Spirits from her altar. “And if I can’t smoke a sativa-heavy hybrid out of my amethyst bubbler while I drink cucumber-infused moon water, there is no guarantee that I’m going to connect strongly enough to my deck to get the answers I seek. Which means finding my herb is really important, and might be impossible to do without having it in the first place.” 

Henderson, founder of the New Jersey Magick forum, prepared her deck by lighting incense and knocking on her cards to the tune of “Shave and a Haircut,” exhaling as she reached the final “two bits.” According to Henderson, that particular knock clears her deck of residual energy.

Henderson then carefully shuffled her cards, noting that, “if the Tower falls out while I’m shuffling, I can kiss that Kush goodbye,” and cutting her deck into three designated piles — past, present, and future; or, where she last had her weed, where her weed is, and if she’ll find her stash.

With an initial reveal of the Knight of Swords, the Hierophant, and the Chariot, Henderson followed her draws with several awkward minutes of ohms and Matilda-inspired eye clenching. However, the process seemed to work, as Henderson declared that with the help of the occult, she now knew where her misplaced weed resided.

“Oh, shit, this actually makes so much sense!” Henderson shouted. Elaborating, she added, “Okay, so this is saying my friend Kelly, who is a Taurus, a.k.a. The Hierophant, recognized that Zack was a fuckboy Gemini, a.k.a. The Knight of Swords, so she grabbed my weed that I left behind in his CHARIOT! Kelly grabbed it for me because I left it in Zack’s car!”

While the reading did indeed lead to the lost stash, many experts claim Henderson could’ve much more easily found her weed through deductive reasoning, or a simple text message. Henderson disputed that notion, however. “There’s no way I could’ve figured this out otherwise,” she said. “Another cosmic mystery, solved.”

Ashley Ruark is a stand-up comedian, musician, and writer from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. 

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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