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RICHMOND, Va. — Andre Calantzopoulos, the CEO of Philip Morris’s parent company Altria, announced today that they will not be entering the legal cannabis market or producing cannabis-related products due to cannabis’s various health benefits and large scale absence of detrimental side effects.
“Our products get you addicted, then kill you,” Calantzopoulos said. “That’s how it’s always been, that’s what our shareholders expect — that’s what we do! Sure, cannabis can have some negative effects, but not nearly enough for Big Tobacco to get involved. Let me know when we can add tar to it, then maybe we’ll talk.”
Gifford and Philip Morris are not alone, as GlaxoSmithKline CEO Emma Walmsley noted they and the rest of Big Pharma are working closely with Big Tobacco for a common purpose. “Our fluticasone/salmeterol solution accounts for a huge portion of revenue, so we want to secure that continued cash flow,” she said. “If people pivot away from cigarettes we’ll lose all our inhaler and corticosteroid sales, so naturally, we wanna keep getting customers addicted to nicotine instead of cannabis. But if and when we can add enough extra stuff to cannabis to make it as addictive and harmful as, say, opioids, count us in.”
While many see Big Tobacco and Big Pharma teaming up to maintain cigarette sales as evil, longtime Marlboro smoker Martin Parsons admitted he respects their strategy.
“It’s obviously a diabolical ploy to bleed the general public dry of as much money as possible,” Parsons said. “But, ya know, game recognize game. I find it pretty inspiring how dedicated they are to the bottom line. You gotta respect the hustle.”
In light of the potential profitability of entering the legal cannabis market, however, Philip Morris released a statement suggesting they may still try to find a way in that aligns with their values. “We’ve heard the complaints and concerns,” the statement read, “so we are currently looking into a strain of cannabis that will have less health benefits, be more addictive, and contain various kinds of poisons. Don’t bet against American ingenuity: hopefully, we can find a way to make cannabis kill you, too.”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
