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HOUSTON — Astrophysicist Jack Shermer was let go from his position at NASA headquarters after he built a fully-functioning Stargate while high.
“We’re trying to have a progressive stance on cannabis consumption, but building a portal to other worlds with hostile alien life forms intent on enslaving and/or murdering all life on Earth was just one step too far for us here,” began explaining NASA administrator Bill Nelson. “We at NASA have a zero-tolerance policy on creating wormholes inside the office. We just can’t allow it.”
Though Shermer was disappointed to see his career end, he empathized with Nelson’s decision.
“I get it, I mean the planet at the other end of the Stargate had dudes posing as Egyptian Gods being controlled by little snakes in their heads, and they like super-charged nuclear bombs with the Spice or whatever, so it makes sense that would be a fireable offense,” he commented while disassembling the gate. “Would be a shame for a fun pet-project while baked to lead to the downfall of all humanity.”
Though Shermer has parted ways with NASA, rumor has it he is now working closely with the airforce at an undisclosed location under a mountain in Colorado… unless that’s just something he said because he was baked when reached for comment.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.