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NEW YORK — As the weather turns cold, legal cannabis dispensaries proliferate worldwide and the annual “Gathering of the Dealers” approaches, the few “traditional” sellers left in existence have begun tracking each other to attempt to absorb each others’ power in hopes of being the final, remaining dealer.
“When legalization hit, they didn’t really make it accessible for us. Historically, weed dealers have always been pretty non-confrontational as far as dealers go, but this new shortage in customers means we have to absorb every ounce of power that we can just to stay afloat. And rumor has it, the last one left receives The Prize,” said independent cannabis dealer Ken Marcus, who hopes his territory will expand to include the Upper West Side, Harlem, and Washington Heights of Manhattan as the Gathering draws nearer. “Some believe it to mean you take territory and control all cannabis sales in the area… maybe take everyone else’s product as well. Though legend has it The Prize is actually the ability to sense the thoughts and emotions of one’s customers; to know when they need to re-up with more weed or snack food.”
“We’re an ancient breed, hiding in the shadows of modern times so as not to be seen or hunted by those who would attack… or worse yet, the cops,” revealed fellow traditional dealer Maggy Wharton, one of several remaining in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. “When taking someone else’s power, one must abandon the scene as quickly as possible so as not to get caught. That’s why they call it The Quickening.”
Meanwhile, their primary nemesis — simply known as The Dealer — has been tracking both competitor’s moves and awaiting the proper time to attack.
“Last I saw Marcus, he was near a hospital, so I couldn’t attack — we respect medicinal needs and thus consider the surrounding area like holy ground, not to be disturbed,” The Dealer commented. “But if I come across anyone on any of our overlapping turfs, I have vowed to sever the inventory from the body and thus, take their power.”
When asked why the various dealers need to hunt each other, the one known as The Dealer responded simply, “Because… there can be only one!”
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.