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WASHINGTON — The DNC issued a statement this week regarding their stance on the federal legal status of cannabis and other drugs in advance of the U.S. elections next month, coining their drug policy as largely “vintage.”

“Our approach is esoteric. It’s vintage; it’s cool,” said Sen. Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, responding to a question about what concrete steps Democrats have taken towards enacting nationwide legalization. “In case you can’t tell from all the flannels and baggy pants out there, the 90s are back. We firmly believe marijuana use should be decriminalized, and just like we did in the 90s, we also believe now is not the time to take any concrete steps to achieve it.” 

DNC Chair Jaime Harrison led the TikTok and Instagram-based initiative to discover why young people are disenchanted with the Democratic party, finding instead that nostalgia for the 90s is at an all-time high and taking steps quickly to capitalize on the trend by mirroring nationwide policy on some of the Clinton administration’s most well-known stances. “The huge resurgence of late 90s and early 2000s fashion and culture, including JNCO jeans, Korn T-shirts, and fanny packs tells us that today’s young people long for the culture of the turn of the millennium,” Harrison said. “It follows, then, that our drug policy as a party should reflect those wishes and interests.” 

“Trump’s 80s-style approach to drugs is trite, try-hard bullshit,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi agreed, adding, “I remember when I thought 80s policy was cool, too. Like, 10 years ago.”

Meanwhile, pollsters, Washington insiders and the general voting public panned the move. 

“To think that governmental policy should track the time period which is reflected in young folks’ fashion and music choices is one of the most idiotic uses of a false equivalency I have ever seen. This time frame is exactly when we saw a massive spike in incarcerations for low-level possession offenses, specifically targeting Black Americans more than any other demographic,” said Ada Harrel of the Progressive Policy Institute. “Then again, this is the same party that considered their candidate with the most grassroots and crossover support ‘too progressive’ to run for the presidency in 2016, so I guess I am not surprised.” 

The DNC is reportedly working with a few select focus groups this week to determine whether “chill out, we’ll get there eventually” or “what will be, will be” is the more effective branding for their stance leading up to November’s elections. 

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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