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LOS ANGELES — Rapper and entrepreneur Calvin Broadus Jr., known better by his stage name Snoop Dogg, was officially commended last week for his work in rehabilitating convicted felon Martha Stewart.
“In my line of work I see a lot of confused and lost individuals who made a few honest mistakes,” said L.A. Corrections liaison Alexandra Robinson, awarding Snoop his commendation for exemplary service to society. “They’re normally angry at the system that failed to keep them from illegally adding millions of dollars to their already obscenely large money piles. A lot of these people then get out and find that all they know is insurance fraud or tax evasion, and they do it again. It’s great that Snoop worked to help interdict that behavior.”
“Naturally, when Martha got out nobody wanted to deal with her due to the stigma of being a felon,” elaborated Snoop while puffing a joint. “I was willing to look past that, and that’s why we started cooking together and made our show, ‘Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party.’ I knew that despite her serious criminal past, there was still a person there who deserved a second chance.”
“People really don’t appreciate how easy it is for people in Martha’s community to get involved with insider trading,” Snoop added. “You have all these stock broker thugs who will give out a little bit of information to get people to buy or sell stocks before it’s fair for them to do so. Then, bam! Suddenly you’re hooked, and you’d do anything for that sticky-icky-icky inside information. Next thing you know you’re lying to the FBI and then you’re sentenced to spend nine hard months crocheting at Camp Cupcake. It’s a nightmare.”
For her part, Stewart was very appreciative of Snoop being so willing to help her out.
“Prison changes people, and let me tell you, it’s not fun,” said Stewart. “I was in there with real, hardened criminals. Not people who did small stuff, like smoking a spliff or possessing a small amount of marijuana — I’m talking people who committed serious mortgage fraud, leading to thousands of people losing their homes and serving consecutive wrist slaps of four months in only semi-luxurious incarceration. Also, that woman who shot Gerald Ford was in there.”
“Thanks to Snoop though, I’ve learned my lesson about lying to the FBI,” said a teary-eyed Stewart. “Now everytime I think about insider trading, I bake some hash brownies with my pal and wait for the urges to mellow out. He truly saved me from myself.”
Even better, fans of “Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party” can enjoy their favorite show with a classic feel-good story at its heart. “Seeing this poor woman get taken under Snoop’s wing is just so touching,” said fan Sarah Kent. “When are people going to learn that older white ladies need a chance to redeem themselves in the face of their mistakes? We can’t continue to let the criminal justice system ruin the lives of so many countless rich folks for reckless, fiscal crimes. That’s not the America I know.”
Reports are swirling that a feature film of Stewart’s conviction and rehabilitation is in the works, with Sandra Bullock likely starring as Martha and Cuba Gooding Jr. under consideration to play Snoop.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.