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BETHANY, Mo. — In a landmark study, the evaporation and eventual precipitation of bongwater spilled by careless Californians is being blamed for rising levels of THC in the rain falling on the midwestern U.S. states, causing concern for rural communities and farmers throughout the Plains.
“This invasion of the coastal hippie lifestyle into our hardworking community is what I’ve been fearing all my life,” said Tad Binstock, owner/operator and head barrister at Barley Legal Farms. “All my barley has been all lazy and godless lately, no matter what the brewers and millers say about this being the most nutritious and hearty crop they’ve ever seen in their lives — you just know they’re being brainwashed by the liberal media. You a liberal, boy?”
While it is unusual for moisture from spilled smoking accessories to travel such long distances, experts say that this particular phenomenon is now understood.
“Most everything that evaporates on the west coast can’t go further than the mountains, which causes weather systems to stall and become precipitous. However, because THC gets higher than any other molecule, it is able to clear the Rockies before burning out and coming down onto all of that flyover corn,” said rainfall climatologist Vanessa Hazelpanse. “There is absolutely no negative effect on humans, crops, or livestock. But convincing the locals that THC doesn’t stand for “To Hell, Christians!” is going to be the one shitty part of this whole thing. You can imagine how well explaining the science behind this particular weather pattern will go over in the outskirts of Topeka.”
For their part, bong enthusiasts in the Golden State are not taking any responsibility for the discomfort of middle America.
“Look, it’s not my fault that when I get giggly, I shake whatever I may be holding… and that I’m holding a bong most of the times that I’m giggly,” said Andrew Burr, a Redondo Beach, Calif. waifu tester. “Fuckng rubes — always mad at the cool kids in L.A.. And like, I don’t even want your gluten, bro. You can keep your wheat and your corn. Even with the benefits of cannabinoid chemicals, I’m still only going to eat California avocados, oranges and pistachios. Your pathetic grain can rot.”
In response to the so-called “THC rain,” several Midwest states are introducing bills to salt the earth and build more mega churches to better pray for the end times.
Kyle Stanley is selling Writer Dude Bongwater on twitter @KGordonStanley
