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EVERGREEN, Colo. — After releasing a new line of CBD-infused products last month, Allstar Product Group is back in court due to the dangerously comfortable and effective design of their CBD-infused Snuggie, which has led to near-fatal relaxation in some users.
“I put it on, sat on the couch, and next thing I know, it’s 4 days later,” said class-action plaintiff John Zipkin during a brief moment of lucidity before drifting back into a daze-like state for another few hours. Reawakening at 3 a.m., he added, “It just relaxes you so hard, and once the CBD kicks in, it’s like you’re floating in the clouds, and underwater, and there’s a cool breeze… but you’re also in a heated jacuzzi, all at the same time. When I woke up last week, I was on the brink of death due to dehydration. It might be a little TOO comfortable.”
Zipkin then fell back into his euphoric haze for another 3 days.
Washington Post reporter Elaine Sanford broke the first story about a CBD-Snuggie-induced-near-death-coma [CBD-SINDC] and has vowed to “stop at nothing” to save millions from cozy naps that potentially last deep into the evening.
“It’s horrifying to think that you can sit down in a Snuggie, get all settled in to binge watch some TV, and then wake up in the ICU a week later on an IV because it was just too soft and snuggly,” Sanford commented. “ER doctors I’ve spoken to have said it’s an easy thing to avoid if we just take proper safety precautions, but once you fall into a CBD-SINDC, the chances of coming back are extremely slim. We’ve gotten lucky so far.”
For his part, Allstar Products Group CEO and original Snuggie mastermind Scott Boilen claimed his company is not responsible, as the CBD infusion process involves a third party that clearly has a “sinister agenda.”
“Once the CBD infusion happens, they are no longer officially licensed Snuggies — technically, they’re knockoffs laced with performance-enhancing substances intertwined within the fabric. We are not liable for injuries sustained as a result of their use,” Boilen affirmed. “That said… ooh, baby, they are comfy. Keep this off the record, but I got one, and when I woke up a week later, I didn’t even mind being so malnourished that I became delirious. Totally worth it. It was just so plush and relaxing — it completely melted away all the stress of a class-action lawsuit over a fraudulent product’s fatal aftermath.”
Though preliminary hearings commenced last week, presiding judge Hon. Michelle T. Weibach’s CBD-infused judicial robe reportedly caused additional delays, as she has been in a coma since shortly after opening arguments began.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.