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BEND, Ore. — In the evolution of cannabis culture, ideas will come and go — some, naturally, with more staying power than others. The Mystic Mist CBD sauna, featuring heat from CBD-infused logs felled naturally? That’ll likely be the latest nationwide hit in cannabis-enhanced wellness offerings.

But the Scrape N’ Vape dispensary next door to Mystic Mist, offering no less than 378 strains of resin, is hopefully the only and last of its kind.

In the name of science, as well as elevating cannabis culture, we did our best to keep an open mind (and lungs). The Scrape N’ Vape does have a decent array of flavors and accessories for vape enthusiasts, but all within an elaborate, glass display featuring loads of odd-colored “schmears,” for lack of a better word. 

Terry, our “resinator” (their term for budtender), was all too excited to help us find everything we’d need for a successful “resin session.” Clad in a trench coat that went all the way to the floor and fitted with dozens of inside pockets, he produced a still-warm metal pipe from his pocket dotted with rust, and with a blackened butter knife, cut a semi-solid hunk from a schmear labeled only “Nurple” and lit it for our sampling “pleasure.” Ultimately, it was relatively harmless, but really, it tasted mostly like one would expect: tar, hot metal, and desperation, with a high that simply skipped right to the feeling of the burned-out fog one would get after 40 minutes of steady bong rips. At Terry’s insistence, we tried three more strains — named “Strawberry Cancer,” “Asphalt,” and “Alone Again” — and nothing really hit, so we called it a day and bought all of the throat coat tea we could find on our way home. 

If you’re ever driving through Bend, we highly recommend checking out the Mystic Mist sauna — it’s a one-of-a-kind experience that should take the nation by storm. But so far, we’re not sold on the resin-lution becoming a viable chunk of the dispensary market once all the smoke clears. 

Also, a pro tip: if you do go to Scrape N’ Vape, never, ever, ever give your phone number to Terry.

Johnny Sparkles is a Hawaii-born and based journalist, and stand up comedian whose debut album “Homeless Romantic” is available all over the internet. Twitter: @sparklesknows

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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