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BURLINGTON, Vt. — Long-time Burlington pot dealer Eric Bluhd has found himself with loads of extra free time this past year, ever since the state of Vermont legalized the retail sale of cannabis through the state legislature back in 2020 and subsequently took away all of his “friends.” 

“I hardly see anyone anymore,” he said, scouring the contacts on his phone yet again for someone to connect with. “My dudes used to come over all the time and smoke, shoot the shit, play video games… that kind of thing. Now they all seem really busy all of the sudden.”

“And nobody needs weed anymore, I guess,” he added. “Which is the damndest thing. It’s weird to be calling everyone seeing if they need weed, when before my phone wouldn’t stop ringing.” 

While it remains a mystery to Bluhd, others like his neighbor Jacey Klein can see the clear writing on the wall. “Eric’s heart is mostly in the right place… but to be honest, he’s super fucking annoying,” she asserted in the parking lot of their building, constantly looking over her shoulder for any sign of Eric. “These guys coming in and out of the apartment were after one thing, and one thing only. I’ve never met anyone with a collection of air horns before, and I don’t know why he always wants to show them off. Hell, I’m even considering moving because of this guy.”

Eric’s case is not unique — in fact, as more states legalize, support groups for former dealers are popping up all over. One such group, StillUseful, gathers on the west coast in Washington state, where the legal market has existed for nearly 10 years now. 

“We created a retreat for past weed dealers to come and find themselves in the face of a major identity crisis,” StillUseful program director Job Bennigan said on a call. “Our most popular retreat is called ‘Where Did They Go? Confronting Supply-Based Friendships.’ We are offering Mr. Bluhd a spot at our next one at no charge, as we found his story compelling.” 

Currently, Bluhd is still mulling over the free invite. “I don’t know if I need something like this just yet,” he said while feverishly sending out text after text. “I am pretty sure my boys will get back to me any minute.”

Jay Shingle is a comedy performer and musician from the Pacific Northwest, and he is the creator of @ordinarypeoplememes on Instagram.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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