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This July 4th I’m gonna celebrate my FREEDOM — something you’d know nothing about, because you were caught with traces of weed that one time before it became legal.

Oh, weed is legal now, so you should go free? Um, no. According to the Ex-Pre-Facto law, you can’t be acquitted for a crime you committed while it was illegal. Thomas Jefferson said that, I’m pretty sure. Maybe learn you some ‘Merican history while you’re finishing your sentence.

Me? As someone who follows the law to the letter, I get to celebrate my freedom, because I am a gainfully employed, positively contributing member of society: I run processing at a private correctional facility all day, and I have a private consulting service for purchasing and selling firearms. That’s right — I have a day job AND I’m a small business owner, just like every good, free, red-blooded American should.

And you know how I get to celebrate, because I’m a law-abiding citizen? By setting off my own personal fireworks show in the backyard. And they’re not the trash fireworks you get at the supermarket: I’m talkin’ the good stuff I bought from before they started selling them at the grocery store, when you had to drive 3 hours out of town to that sketchy highway casino and buy them. If you’re ever over there when you get out, there’s this shop on the side of the road called “CanCannabis” — really great products there; highly recommended.

Because supporting legal business is what America is all about. You’d understand that if you weren’t a criminal.

It doesn’t matter that you’re taking HBS classes and got a JD/MBA while in prison and could potentially be a stronger asset to a flourishing economy and the advancement of society as a whole than I could ever be — the law is the law. Maybe instead of that degree, you should’ve gotten a law degree to learn you some information: did you know weed is still illegal under federal law? That means the FBI is gonna come arrest you in jail, and take you to an even worse jail. That’s just math. Legal math.

If I had my way, they’d go back to the way the founding fathers originally intended: Make pot completely illegal forever. It’s a gateway drug with no other use besides corrupting our children. As that famous quote says: “Weed does kill people, and people with weed kill people.”

Now, who’s got some rum to wash down these oxys? I gotta go get more fireworks and it’s a long drive.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.