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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Datapro, a 100-person data technology firm, introduced a new drug testing policy for all employees last week, with the goal of discovering who might be down to chill at Coverage Analyst Greg Caratini’s place. 

Caratini, a six-year company veteran, has established a reputation of hosting “fun,” “very chill,” and “mellow in a good way” gatherings, according to fellow Datapro employees. “Greg usually has some beer for those interested,” said Account Manager Esperanza Castillo, “but the typical group of Datapro employees and a few of Greg’s college friends all much prefer cannabis. And in a company this size, the last thing we want is anyone harshing out on us.”

Datapro’s Chief People Officer Abigail Martin stressed company morale and cohesion as the reasons behind the testing. “Datapro is always looking for ways to further our highly-focused commitment to employee wellbeing,” said Martin. “We all love Greg, and his beautiful apartment, and we just wanted to get an official tally of who’d be up to chillax.” 

“It sounded really sus at first,” Castillo admitted. “I was like, ‘Whoa, drug testing? I didn’t realize Datapro was this uptight!’ We all considered quitting when they told us about it.” But Datapro management seems to have been able to reassure employees that the testing will have no effect on job status. “The last thing we want is to make anyone nervous or uncomfortable,” said Martin. “That’s not cool.”

The new policy dictates that all current employees will be tested initially, with every potential new hire also subjected to drug testing to “see who’s down to clown, Charlie Brown,” according to the official policy ledger. Understanding that attitudes on cannabis may shift over time, Datapro has not ruled out the possibility of random tests in the future. 

Not all Datapro employees are happy about this new policy, however. “I have nothing wrong with pot, or with Greg,” said IT Security Lead Mikal Pearson. “But I have a family; I have hobbies. I just want to put in my eight hours and go home. I don’t need to hang out with my coworkers.” 

Others worry that, despite what management says, a negative test will act like a scarlet letter and ostracize them from a workplace culture in which they thought they’d previously fit. “Will my coworkers start to wonder what’s wrong with me if they find out I failed the test?” asked Sales Director Miranda White. “And by fail, I mean pass — like, no drugs in the system, which is a pass, but in this case, a fail.” 

If this policy succeeds in bringing Datapro employees closer together, it may catch on at other companies around the state, and even the country. For now, however, Caratini and his regular crew are more concerned about how this affects them. “I’m just worried this is going to kill the vibe,” Caratini confided. “I don’t want getting high to feel like work.”

Bradley Machov is a writer and improviser in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Twitter @bradleymachov

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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