STERLING, Va. — Gail Henry, a “red-blooded American with eyes to match,” doesn’t have a clue what to do with the commemorative U.S. Flag raw hemp papers she received as a bonus gift from a well-meaning D.C. area weed delivery service last week.

“Either some crucial steps were missed in the development of this product, or this is some kind of Taliban plot to coerce us into accidental flag-burning,” said Henry as she packed a bowl into a meerschaum pipe replica of Mt. Rushmore. “I can’t even display them in my home, lest visitors think that there would ever be a situation in which I’d put a match to the Stars & Stripes. If my mother were on fire and the only available cloth to smother the flames was Old Glory, you had best believe she’d burn.”

To ensure its safety and keep it hidden, Henry has allegedly stored the pack of papers in a vacuum-sealed bag, which has been frozen in ice and is now kept under a side of venison in her chest freezer.

Kyle Stanley stops, drops, and rolls huge bats. @KGordonStanley on Twitter.