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Here at Oregano, we know that the holiday season can bring all sorts of anxiety: as the year winds down, who should you get high with before you buy way too many presents for yourself on Amazon? What strains pair best with your uncle’s tirade about “those Washington potheads on welfare?” Should we all come together to watch “Jingle All the Way,” or “Die Hard,” and when we do, what’s the best dip? (Watch both, with a very guac-heavy taco dip).
And, perhaps, the biggest question of all: when you go smoke some weed, and want to do it in a festive, respectful way that surely won’t alienate anyone, will the menorah bong or baby Jesus bong get you higher?
As we transition from the end of Hanukkah to the slow, methodical, mad-dash of sales upon sales before Christmas, we took the time to conduct a few incredibly scientific tests to get to the bottom of this oldest of age-old questions, and came to some pretty concrete conclusions. Think of this as our gift to you, dear readers.
The case for Baby Jesus
Pros: Look, we’ve held a baby a couple different times in our lives, and this baby is super lightweight compared to real babies. The hollowed-out stomach chamber lets you pull a massive hit, and the little nooks and crannies inside the arms mean you’ll still have pockets of smoke to come back to even after you exhale your first pull. And, thankfully, it’s designed so you smoke out of the back of the head, and pack the bowl down at the foot — they clearly tried a few different iterations of where on the baby to put the bowl and mouthpiece, and lighting baby Jesus’s toes on fire while kissing the back of its head is far and away the least weird and awkward.
Even better, you can swaddle it and take it with you on your day-to-day errands, and whenever you want to take a pull, you just gotta kiss the baby’s head. But, word to the wise: don’t let anyone actually see your baby, even if they ask. We’ve never been more judged in our lives. Casting the first stones, indeed.
Cons: There’s no way to put water in it… at least in a way that helps the smoking apparatus. So even though it’s classified as a bong, it’s really more of a Baby Jesus Steamroller. Which means, Baby Jesus can hit you reeeeeeeeal hard.
The case for a Menorah
Pros: Let’s start with the obvious. Naturally, there are 8 small bowls — 4 on each side of the shammash in the middle, which serves as the mouthpiece. The Menorah bong does take water in the base, so when you hit it, you get that much more smoke, without having a coughing fit (right way). And lighting it solo is pretty tricky: we found the best way is to get two lighters — one for each hand — and start lighting from the outside in, gradually getting closer to the middle. Thankfully, the mouthpiece stands pretty high up, which means a) you can get a bigger rip, and b) you’re not going to light your face on fire. Face fires are decidedly not kosher.
And as a bonus, it comes with a dreidl-shaped jar for storing your weed. Doesn’t make for a great game of dreidl, but let’s be honest: you’re lighting a menorah bong. You’re not gonna care about dreidl at all very, very soon.
Cons: This definitely takes some teamwork to light most effectively. Unless you get your own Hanukkah miracle, where it looks like you’ve only got one arm to light it, but somehow that one arm can do the work of 8 arms.
Which is best?
We’ll be honest… both got us pretty rocked, and we’re amazed we’ve made it this far into a reasonably coherent review. You should really just grab the one that’ll blend in best with your parents’ decor, because that way, every time you visit home, you’ll have a pretty killer piece on hand, and no one will be the wiser.
This article was written by Oregano’s dedicated team of scientists and alpha testers, advancing humanity to its furthest reaches like the humble servants we are, one day at a time.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.