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DENVER — What started as a normal night of four friends playing Dungeons & Dragons yesterday went off the rails quick, according to reports, as soon as the players smoked too much weed and the story changed from fighting orcs and dragons that were burning down the village, to the adventurers sitting in a tavern while the bard of the party told a story of a mountain goat standing on rock in the moonlight. 

“I don’t mind anyone getting a little high and playing… but I didn’t realize how much more slowly the story would evolve,” said dungeon master Greg Jones. “Or really, not evolve at all.”

Jones knew the quest was in danger when, after an orc’s arm burst through the window and ripped apart the barkeep, the party simply waved him off and the bard rolled for a performance check to sing a ballad about the now infamous goat in the moonlight. 

“I rolled a natural 20 on my ballad, ‘Goat on a Rock in the Moonlight on the Side of a Mountain,’” said Terrance Green, who admitted he thinks they all should smoke herb more in the future whenever a campaign “hits a boring part.” “Greg is an amazing dungeon master. He was supporting me the whole time, even adding this fire around us to really underscore the song.” 

“The song was actually really well done and surprisingly on key,” remarked Jones, “but I was continually rolling saving throws as orcs entered the tavern and stabbed and decapitated villagers around them. And because everyone playing was high, they all just mimicked the sounds of the dying for 40 minutes while eating Ho-Hos. We’d been building up to that part of the campaign for the past six weeks.”

“Greg told me I needed to roll for initiative because an orc was about to rip my leg off,” said Shannon Connor, who got everyone high on the aptly named Dragon’s Breath, “and all I could think is that this thing came out of nowhere. Then suddenly, my character was dead — I’d been building her over the last three years. But that goat, man. What a goat.”

Unfortunately, Jones decided he will no longer be dungeon master for this particular group after one player asked how he could build a character with +6 lung capacity and defend himself with an array of mystical bongs.

Joe Rapp is an improviser, graphic designer and unknown local celebrity in Minneapolis, MN. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter @fakejoerapp

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