I’m a 24-year-old woman who has been living with my boyfriend (42) for nearly a year now. Recently he has been coming home late from work and smelling like the strain Fishhook Freak, which I know is the preferred sativa of his flirty and budsom coworker Michelle Peanutbutter (name changed) — the high is strong, the aroma is distinctive, and both follow her everywhere. He says he just gets rides home with her, but I’m convinced they’re sharing pipes, listening to Sirius 70’s and putting their hands in the same bag of Doritos… it’s really harshing my buzz. Help a sister out, please.

-Jealous in Joshua Tree

Dear Jealous in Joshua Tree,

Who isn’t familiar with the savage bite of a green-eyed monster? We all know the painful sting we get in our nostrils from the green burned not only without us, but with someone else. It’s time for a face to face talk with your sneaky smoker, but not before you consider what to say and where you want this to go. Some ideas include:

Confront this Joint Jezebel. For better and for worse, smokers are lovers and not fighters — which means that scientifically, your best bet is to punch her in the throat. First, she won’t be expecting it (if her weed is as strong as you say, she won’t be expecting anything). She’ll answer your questions and will be relatively unable to fight back. Of course, if you aren’t willing to get your hands dirty, broken, or cuffed, you might consider a… 

Poly-smoking lifestyle. Poly relationships have been common since prehistoric times, and so has cannabis. Groups of three or more frequently enjoy herb in public, so why not in the privacy of their own homes or cars? You may even come to love the heavier dank in time. This lifestyle is obviously not for everyone, so consider carefully what you’re open to and where your boundaries are. Either way, stay positive and remind yourself that you can always… 

Admit defeat. Hey, it might just be over. Maybe your buds aren’t doing it for him anymore, and even more important, maybe his aren’t for you, either. Sure, once upon a time a little shake was all it took to blow his mind, but tastes can and do change — after all, when’s the last time he gave you a high you won’t forget? If you aren’t compatible in your terpene profiles or THC levels, your sessions together may be a thing of the past. 

On second thought, you know what? Get the truth, and if the truth isn’t what he’s said it is, just kick his ass out and get your own bag of Doritos. There are plenty of stoned fish worth a bong out there in the THSea.

Kyle Stanley has also eaten Doritos. Twitter is @KGordonStanley

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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