LEBANON, Ohio — Suspicious and desparate mother Francesca Ferrari-Rosscallini rummaged through the muscle shirt and hair gel-filled drawers of her son Mario’s room yesterday, looking for oregano in the hope he was dumb enough to mistakenly buy some instead of cannabis. “I was halfway through making the salsa for my traditional pastallini fazoolacette and I realized we were completely out of oregano,” said Ferrari-Rosscallini. “I love my little bambino, but he can be a real mook — I’ve seen him hanging around that Eddie Haskell-wannabe Tanner Pitowski, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he were to trick my little Mario into buying some fake grass. La cena won’t be complete without it, but I really don’t want to leave the house if I don’t have to.” While Ferrari-Rosscallini was sad to report her son allegedly “knew his stuff” when it came to cannabis, she was delighted to find a stash of portabella mushrooms in her psychedelic-curious daughter Patricia’s closet.

Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stephenbell6/