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COCONUT CREEK, Fla. — Reigning UFC Women’s Bantamweight champion Amanda Nunes, who is also the first-ever openly gay UFC champion, announced today the launch of her new line of CBD-infused boxing gloves, CALMA.
Using patented technology, CALMA gloves are infused with cannabidiol (CBD) — one of the active compounds in marijuana — that is gradually released into the bloodstream via osmosis while the gloves are in use. Intended to help with rest and relaxation for athletes training in boxing and mixed martial arts, the gloves are infused on both the inside and the outside, so both the wearer and the wearer’s training partner can benefit from the therapeutic effects.
“I like to punch hard and go for the knockout,” Nunes said at an introductory press conference. “With CALMA, the experience is more soothing, both for you and for me.”
In addition to their restorative and healing capabilities, CALMA gloves have also been touted as a miraculous sleep aid. “Normally it takes me hours of training before I zonk out,” said one athlete who participated in product trials, “but after Amanda fed me one punch with these new gloves, I was snoozing on the mat in the blink of an eye. Never slept so well in my life.”
Current UFC Heavyweight Champion Glover Teixeira, who is one of Nunes’ training partners at the American Top Team gym attested to the effectiveness of this new technology after a recent training session. “At 42, these gloves were a game-changer in my training camp leading up to my recent title fight to become the oldest champion in the organization,” Teixeira said. “Being able to train and rest at the same time means I got twice as much training, AND twice as much rest. But, it was hard finding new sparring partners all the time, because they kept passing out.”
For now, CALMA Gloves are only available online — and there is a waitlist for new orders — though a company representative informed Oregano.com that they would soon be available at select sporting goods retailers, shopping malls, and in the CBD aisles of gas stations throughout the country.
This article was discovered by one of our reporters scrawled on a blood-stained paper towel inside the Oreganoctagon.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.