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NEW YORK — Famed comedian Adam Sandler confirmed his stance today that, in celebrating Hanukkah, one should absolutely make marijuanika a part of the festivities.
“Look, it was the ‘90s when I released the Hanukkah song, and tons of people still thought that smoking marijuanika gave you herpes or something,” said the 55-year-old comedian. “And there was extra confusion, because TV censors made me change the lyric to be anti-marijuanika to get this on the air. So in the first SNL version, when I said, ‘Don’t smoke marijuanika; if you really, really, wannukah,’ what I really wanted to say was, ‘Do smoke marijuanika; David Spade sells it in the alley behind 30 Rockefeller center and you can get it there.’”
“Weird priorities though with NBC, you know?” Sandler added. “They censor weed stuff, yet gave Jerry Seinfeld a show after he dated a 17-year-old. Go figure.”
When asked for comment, the NBC censor at the time defended the change.
“Just because something is cool now doesn’t mean it was at the time,” said former NBC Standards & Practices EVP Elliot Cooper. “I mean, it was a big thing to admit that you smoked marijuanika back then. My suggestion was to compromise and take a page from Slick Willy himself and say, ‘Smoke your marijuanika, but don’t inhaleika,’ but somehow it just didn’t flow right. We risked losing advertisers if we endorsed using mind altering substances — you can’t say no to that money from Budweiser.”
Attempts to reach SNL showrunner Lorne Michaels were futile, as he was reportedly blasted off his ass on gin and tonikas celebrating the holiday.
Stephen Bell is a comedy writer for The Hard Times, Oregano, and JumpKick but is more accurately some science dork working as a lab technician. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stebbenwolfe/
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.