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DUTCHESS, N.Y. — Abbie Roth, the only Jewish employee at Properto Industrial Sales, has successfully convinced her boss that cannabis use is a Hanukkah tradition, and must legally be allowed on-site during business hours.
“He’s clearly never even met another Jewish person, so I can literally tell him anything — he gets all nervous and agreeable, so now I get to smoke at work on Hanukkah… and really, just about any other holiday I want,” Roth stated quietly so no one around would catch on. “Ever since he made a joke about testing me for drugs after the ‘High Holidays’ and I told them they were actually the most serious Jewish holidays, he just lets me do whatever I want if I tell him it’s kosher.”
“I’ve even started making up holidays to get out of work — every Jewish person knows there’s no holiday called the ‘Feast of the Moons,’ and it sure wouldn’t last for four days,” Roth added. “Earlier this year I convinced him Yom Kippur is a whole month and got paid leave all of September. Hourly jobs don’t even have ‘paid leave’ — how did that even work?!”
Properto Industrial manager Marlin Crowly admitted he decided it behooves him to just let things like that slide and move on.
“It sounds suspicious, and I’m tempted to Google it… but honestly, high or not she still gets all her work done, so really, why do I care?” Crowly commented, shrugging in indifference. “If she’s not bothering anyone, let her smoke. Wanna know a secret? I don’t even care if it’s a tradition or a holiday or whatever — I’d let her smoke every day if she really wanted. I’m just waiting for someone else on staff to figure that out already.”
Though clearly not an official part of the holiday tradition, several Rabbinical elders support the practice. “Celebrating Judaism is a deeply personal experience rooted in family tradition and spiritual enlightenment, so if that means smoking weed, I say go for it,” stated Rabbi Henry Berk. “We need the numbers, so if that’s how you feel is the best way to be Jewish on Hanukkah, I’m not about to stand in the way.”
“The Talmud teaches the true Mitzvah is connecting to Hashem, however you feel you can,” agreed Rabbi Debra Schneider. “Just know that if you use any holy text scrolls to roll a joint, you’ll have to fast for 40 days and nights.”
With Hanukkah beginning last night, Roth is not expected back in the office sober until February, as she also convinced Crowly that “days” was an ancient typo and Hanukkah actually lasts 8 weeks.
Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.