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BOSTON—After smoking a fat joint with friends, local babysitter Virginia Mason reported for an evening gig over the weekend at a family friend’s house, only to find that their five-year-old son Fabian Nicander was giving off really bad vibes.
“I walked inside, and Fabian immediately wanted to play horsey – it’s like, dude: give me a minute to settle in and feel the energy before you spring a game on me,” said Mason, as she later smoked a stolen cigarette trying to calm down after the shift.
The chaos continued, as Fabian proceeded to throw cereal all over the floor, stomping and crying in protest, forcing Virginia to put him in a time out while she gathered her thoughts, but not before eating the cereal directly off the floor.
Fabian is known by neighborhood babysitters to be generally chill, but like any child, he has his off days. Fellow babysitter John Yates found Virginia’s pre-sitting joint smoking to be a bit of a risk.
“I’ve watched over Fabian before. I was certainly glad that I wasn’t stoned and just a little bit drunk the night he decided to piss in all the potted plants. Luckily I just found it funny, left them as is, and I don’t think the parents ever found out. Although they haven’t invited me back, hm.”
After his time out Virginia successfully calmed Fabian down, and they were able to watch the new Clifford the Big Red Dog movie together, but Virginia still found him to be a drag.
“I have no idea what impresses this kid. That dog. It’s HUGE. It’s hilarious. He just sort of sat there and watched. I couldn’t stop gasping and laughing. Dude is a square.”
After the Nicanders returned, Virginia was set free to enjoy the afterglow in her room, listening to Mac Demarco, drawing. She vowed she will never smoke before watching Fabian again saying “he’s just one of those guys you can’t feel safe being high around you know? Always judging.”
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.