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The author, Katrina Todd, is a video game writer from the Seattle area and frequent contributor to Kotaku and IGN.

Sure. I’m excited that winter is finally going away and all that hooplah. I mean, it’s really sucked, especially with Covid not letting me get over my Winter blues by visiting my favorite bars. But how the hell am I expected to pull off my annual spring cleaning on my usual indica? I already tried cleaning a few different times after a fat bowl of Sweet ZZ, and let’s just say I should’ve seen the 4-hour naps coming.

The problem started back last Spring when Dr. Fauci told us all to keep our asses planted at home. That was all my stoner self needed to hear to keep me isolated like a hermit for almost a year now. And in that year, I completely trashed my place — I mean, I haven’t had to impress anyone in a long-ass time, so why would I bother cleaning? My dog could give two shits if my place is covered in pizza boxes and work clothes that I haven’t put back on in over 12 months.

I’m more than content living in my filth like the crusty lowlife I am, but now that people are getting vaccinated for Covid and the world is finally truly opening up, I have no choice but to become presentable for society again. And that means cleaning my trainwreck of a home, which I don’t mind telling you is much, much harder to do when you’re couch-locked. 

I used to not think much about what strain I was getting, but the shit they’re making nowadays gives you borderline superpowers, whether for boundless energy and strength, or the boundless crushing of pizza and “Simpsons” marathons. I once saw a guy lift a 5,000 pound SUV off a live body at a car accident. His secret? Super Lemon Haze. Smoking that shit gives you incredible power. But with great power comes great responsibility, as that sativa-toking Spiderman would put it.

I know sativa will help me get the job done, but I usually stay away from the stuff for a variety of reasons — last time I got deep into sativa I picked up mountain climbing, bungie jumping, hardcore rollerskating, and knitting. It was cool to be productive for once and all, but the thing is, I don’t want people to see me as ambitious and have the nerve to start expecting things from me. To put it simply, it’s a lot harder to turn down a friend that needs help moving when they know I climb mountains weekly. I’m just a lazy indica gal in my heart.

Who am I kidding? I have an unbelievable amount of cleaning to do. The only way this place won’t continue to look like a Cambodian jail cell is if I make the jump to sativa. 

So… you got any? Oh. OK. Well, I tried. Looks like it’s another year of pandemic life for me. Such a shame — I was really motivated to think about cleaning this year, too.

Christopher Charles Jones is a writer and video producer for a variety of international brands and resides in a lovely New England town that is much nicer than where he grew up in Missouri. IG: @Chris_Jones_Creates

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

Click here to learn more.