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We at the Coca-Cola Company know that we’ve all been looking forward to the release of a CBD-laden Coke product, but after many discussions, we’ve decided that we’re going in a new direction. And by new, we mean old.

Our product testers have been hard at work trying to develop a CBD Coke for the masses but were unsuccessful due to one very important reason: You don’t drink Coke to relax. You drink Coke because it gives you that “just woke up from a disco nap” energy without giving you the runs. Most of the time, anyway.

So, we hereby announce that The Coca-Cola Company is going back to its roots by reintroducing good, old-fashioned cocaine back into our drinks.

You know that, as a company, we’ve never shied away from innovation. In the last 130 years, we’ve been brave enough to try all kinds of new things.

We were brave enough to make Coke clear (because Pepsi did). Brave enough to combine Coke with coffee –– a move all our cardiologists looked down their nose upon. And, for a brief time in the 1980s, brave enough to make our product taste like the final dregs of an unwashed soda gun.

And speaking of New Coke, we’re willing to accept when we’ve made a mistake and correct it. A CBD Coke would have been a huge mistake. CBD, and cannabis in general, is such a controversial topic, and The Coca-Cola Company prides itself on being an American-As-Apple-Pie brand. We don’t do controversy here, but we DO do lines off the office bathroom sink while trying to push a new product launch. Like any good American would.

Like many companies with a long, rich heritage in this country, returning to cocaine felt like a no-brainer. Anyone who has seen one of our ads in a vintage Sears catalog knows that Coke gives you PEP!

And all that cocaine is an appetite suppressant, so you don’t have to worry about those pesky calories in our drinks anymore. You can just shake them off through uncontrollable tremors. Who needs CBD when you’re vibrating harder than those massage chairs at the mall? Now THAT’S what WE call relaxing.

Besides, we were starting to feel like having “coca” in our company name was kind of like false-advertising without a little bit of that sweet nose candy to back it up.

Our new, cocaine-infused Coke is hitting stores soon, in two-liter, 20-ounce, and even quick, one-ounce “bumps” to get you through your day.

Drink up!

Andrea Romano is a comedy writer, sketch performer, and watcher of many Emmy-award-winning shows. Her writing has been seen on Cracked, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Mashable –– among others. Follow her on Twitter @theandrearomano.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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