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MOUNT VERNON, Va. — A team studying George Washington and his era of activity has uncovered compelling evidence indicating times he was said to be chopping down a cherry tree he was secretly sneaking off to smoke cannabis.

“There are no traces of cherry trees anywhere in the surrounding area, so it was almost certainly a code,” revealed lead Washington-ologist Ben Goetz. “I had thought it might be code for something else, maybe drinking whiskey, or training revolutionaries, or even brushing his wooden teeth, but no, we found a fully intact baggy of rolling papers, a box of gutted cigars, like hundreds of matchbooks, and then a monstrous bong buried just outside his estate.”

“That 14-inch bong was made of double-layered, tempered borosilicate, was painted to look like a tree trunk, and literally said George Washington’s Cherry Tree across it, so that may have been the code too,” Goetz continued explaining while retrieving the massive cache of paraphernalia that was uncovered. “The giant smoking apparatus also had a little note attached to the bottom that read, NOT THOMAS JEFFERSON’S BONG!!!”

Jerome Washington, a direct descendent of the ex-president was able to shed some light on the situation, as he had heard a few stories about his forefather’s cannabis habits.

“The stories I’ve heard involved him calling the bowl a ‘hatchet’ and referring to papers or a cigar wrap as a cherry tree, which doesn’t fully make sense, but close enough,” Washington’s descendent said. “But then he also had other codes like he’d say he was ‘going out to form a more perfect union’ to mean he was gonna go roll a monstrous blunt, or ‘limit the presidency to 2 terms’ meant he was gonna clear a bowl in maximum 2 rips.”

Washington later gathered old letters the revolutionary leader had written and added, “Look at this note he sent, he mentions sitting in a circle with his boys around a cherry tree and passing the hatchet to his left, then something about Thomas Jefferson taking took many swipes at the tree and everyone getting mad and hiding his water, then sending Andrew Jackson to go find food while they looked through flipbooks and read British baking recipes. Seems like a wild time.”

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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