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QUEENS, NEW YORK –– Ozone Park resident Jennifer Rizzo, 31, was delighted to discover that her Italian grandma, Maria Rizzo, 89, had decided to make her famous “Sunday gravy” one cold January morning. Except this sauce had an extra kick that neither Jennifer, nor her nonna, were expecting.
“My nonna’s Sunday gravy is the best! She wakes up at 4 a.m. to crush the tomatoes and let them simmer for hours with spices, garlic, onion, and the best damn meatballs you’ve ever tasted,” Jennifer said. “Copolla would make another genre-defining classic trilogy about those meatballs, I’m telling ya.”
Nonna Maria had just come to live with Jennifer recently. While having access to free Italian cuisine basically any time she wanted, Jennifer also admits that there’s been a bit of a lifestyle adjustment.
“I just don’t want her to tell my mom I smoke weed. I’m a grown-ass woman in my thirties, but she’d KILL me. So I told her the potted plant in my kitchen was just a new kind of basil plant,” Jennifer said. “She was so excited that I was growing herbs just like she did back in Italy, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was some White Widow.”
“It didn’t smell very fresh like basilico, but I thought maybe it was just some American variety,” Nonna Maria commented.
Jennifer was shocked to discover that Nonna Maria had chosen to use up some of what she thought was just some subpar leafy greens rather than go to the store.
“I saw the clippings on the cutting board and my heart nearly leaped outta my chest,” Jennifer said. To her surprise, Nonna Maria’s famous meat sauce had actually never tasted better.
“Nonna was also in such a GOOD mood! She’s got joint issues and she said she’d never felt better,” Jennifer added. “We just giggled and slurped up pasta all night. I introduced her to Trailer Park Boys and I’ve never seen her laugh so hard.”
While the leftover sauce generally lasts for several weeks, Nonna Maria added that they finished off the entire, six-quart pot in less than three days. “I don’t remember what we used it for, but it was bellissima,” she said while making a gesture similar to a chef’s kiss.
“Though, the cat DID almost get into it at one point, so that was a close call,” Jennifer said. “But I’ll never tell nonna my little secret! Heck, I might just try to bottle this stuff.”
Andrea Romano is a comedy writer, sketch performer, and watcher of many Emmy-award-winning shows. Her writing has been seen on Cracked, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Mashable –– among others. Follow her on Twitter @theandrearomano.
Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke
Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.