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In a stunning reversal, Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up cannabis in all forms.

In an almost instantaneous reaction, growers everywhere were suddenly aware of an existential threat to their livelihoods. As a result, all cannabis-related stocks plummeted nearly 60% as growers grappled with an imminent, industry-shattering product surplus.

“I’ve been working on this farm for fifteen years, and now I have nowhere to sell my crop!” said John Cobbler, an industrial cannabis farmer in Humboldt, California. “Snoop Dogg personally accounted for 80% of my total yearly revenue. I mean — the guy smoked so much he pretty much paid for my student loans.”

As news of Snoop’s newfound sobriety spread, growers everywhere rushed to sell their harvest to their secondary source of income, Cyprus Hill.

Jack Delamater is a musician, business owner, writer, and goofball living in Los Angeles, CA — follow Jack on Spotify.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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