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TRENTON, N.J. — Local dad Phil Darden, while browsing the wares of his neighborhood dispensary, suddenly demanded a random college football game be shown on the TVs that don’t even exist while pointing at a vacant corner of the room.

“It’s Cooper Union V Wabash this weekend, what’re you doing to me?! Come on guys!” Darden raged at the budtender who stood in silence, confused. “What am I supposed to do — shop, then leave? I need some football to stare at with my arms crossed and yell at intermittently for seemingly no reason!”

“And make it fast!” he added, grunting mostly unintelligibly at the dispensary staff while looking around for other dads to agree with him.

The manager of the dispensary is usually quick to accommodate customers but was at a loss as there are no TVs in the store.

“We purposely don’t do screens in the store because we want a more intimate and personal feel,” Stacy Cameron, the manager clarified. “He keeps motioning towards where I guess a TV would be if this were a sports bar. To be fair, he also tried to order buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks, so maybe he’s more just confused?”

Upon remembering he can simply watch the game on his phone anytime he wants and there is no reason to be a nuisance, Darden retrieved his device from his pocket, only to discover the game in question wasn’t even on that day.

Cameron Foley is a comedian and writer. He’d prefer you call him Cam.

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

Speaking of absurdity, did you know there are still over 40,000 people locked up on nonviolent cannabis-related charges around the US? It’s time to let them out.

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