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CHICAGO — In the mood for celebration after landing a new job, Chicago native Andrea Rollins rolled a massive joint last night out of the letter of resignation she wrote for her old job. 

“It just feels right,” said Rollins after a long toke on her former employer’s letterhead. “I’m going to suck every last drop of THC out of this thing — just like that dead-end data analytics gig sucked out all of my enthusiasm for three years straight. It’s the circle of corporate life: the letter of resignation gets me out of the old job, and allows me to start my new job on a very smoky foot. I don’t even care that I’m inhaling a couple cartridges worth of ink.”

Rollins hopes to make this a regular means of celebrating new employment. 

“I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly have high hopes for this new job. It’s in the same field, it’s not much of a raise, they don’t give dental and the CEO keeps calling the company a ‘family,’” said Rollins following an intense coughing fit. “I really should look into getting some non-carcinogenic stationary, though, to have on hand by the time I’m ready to ditch it.” 

Jonah Nink writes for a bunch of places. He also assures us that he “has definitely smoked a weed or two.” @mymanjonah

Disclaimer: This Article Is a Joke

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